The Great Gender Wars and Other Stories
by Undercooked
Summary: A dramatized arguement about Integra's gender staged in my art class. May turn into an entire series of stupid drabbles. I'll spoil the ending for you right now: Integra is a WOMAN! Bet no-one suspected THAT! Now there are TWO monstosities! Yay drabbles!
1. The Great Gender Wars

**THE GREAT GENDER WARS**

**By: Undercooked**

Disclaimer: Hellsing does not belong to me. Nor do unicorns. Nor does icecream. Nor does joy!! --sob--

A/N -- This is a weird, short thing about my friend Brittany and I arguing over Integra's gender. I was right. (Go me.) It's somewhat dramatized (no kidding) and takes place in our art class. Manga is art, right? Right. Anyway, enjoy, and remember...if in doubt of the creature's gender, call Jess, the head executive of It's-Not-Over-Until-The-Fat-Transvestite-Sings. Haha...get it? ...No? Well, screw you.

This may end up being the first in a long series of awkward drabbles, but that's not up to me. That's up to my computer. --looks warily at computer-- Shhh! It's listening!

Brittany and Jess stared each other down, each determined not to give in, each silently praying that Mrs. Paige wasn't looking.

"That's a woman." Jess finally stated, hand on a figurative pistol.

"No. It's a man." Brittany replied slowly, her eyes blazing.

"Look at her eyelashes!" Jess demanded, pounding the manga in front of her. "That's a woman!"

"I'm telling you, it's a man!" Brittany cried. "There are no boobs. NONE! It even says 'sir' here!"

"Well, it says 'ma'am' here!" Jess growled.

"Man!"

"Woman!"

"Man!"

"Woman!"

"Man!"

"Brittany?"

"Yes?"

"What bathroom is he/she going to use?"

"The men's! BECAUSE IT'S A MAN!"

The doors of an imaginary saloon blew in the imaginary wind.

Jess coughed.

She'd breathed a little imaginary dust.

Brittany tipped her imaginary cowboy hat and twiddled her imaginary moustache.

Jess' imaginary spurs twirled in the breeze.

"You guys realize that this is just a book, don't you?" Lee put in, looking confused.

Both of their heads snapped to look at her.

"Blasphemer." Brittany spit.

"Traitor!" Jess cried.

Finally, something they agreed on.


	2. The Schnoz

**THE SCHNOZ**

**By: Undercooked**

Disclaimer: I own Hellsing even less than I own Playboy. Which is zippity-do-da.

A/N: Second drabble! This one still stars me and Brittany, this time post-arguement. Let it be known that we DID ridicule Alucard's nose, but nothing else in this chapter actually happened. I just made it up off the top of my head. My computer was kind and allowed me to write and post it. All hail the great computer!! --bows and scrapes--

Jess and Brittany had settled their arguement.

"HA! Told you it was a woman!" Jess gloated.

"Well, she's an UGLY woman!" Brittany sulked, throwing the manga back at Jess, who caught it only because it was a library book.

"There, there. Will making fun of Alucard make you feel better?" Jess comforted her stung friend, though still silently gloating.

"I guess so." Brittany sighed. Jess reopened the manga and pointed to an incriminating picture of Alucard.

"This one is pretty lame-ass." she said. "I'll let you take the first crack."

Brittany smiled in spite of her loser-ish-ness.

"His nose is huge!" she snickered.

Jess looked.

"You're right!" she laughed. "It's all pointy and stretched! What if....?"

She looked off into the distance dreamily.

"What are you DOING?" Brittany inquired.

"Shhh!" Jess shushed. "I'm triggering a daydream!"

"Oh. Sorry." Brittany whispered sheepishly.

-- WHAT IF --

An important meeting was going on in the Hellsing headquarters.

"Damn, this is important. If it were any more important, we would all explode from the importance of this most important thing. In fact, it is SO IMPORTANT that its important importance dwarfs any importance you unimportant mongrels may have thought yourselves to possess!!" Integra said, although no-one was quite sure what she was talking about.

_----- "What was so important?" Brittany asked._

_"Hell, I dunno." Jess shrugged. "It doesn't really matter."_

_"It matters to me!" Brittany cried passionately._

_"Well, you think of something, then."_

_"Um...they could no longer understand what the hell Alexander Anderson was saying!"_

_"I could NEVER understand what he was saying."_

_"They can."_

_"Anything else, brilliant muse?"_

_"Make Integra nicer!"_

_Jess sighed. ------_

"This importantly important situation is caused in regard to Alexander Anderson." Somewhat-Kinder Integra said. "As we all know, he's a meanie bobini, but now, on top of that, no-one can understand his Irish/Scottish/Martian babble."

"She could understand it before?" an unimportant guy murmured to his seatmate.

"Sit back, get comfy, and watch this cozy little clip!" Integra gushed.

_---- "Too nice!" Brittany cried. "You made her TOO NICE!"_

_"You asked for it." Jess said, sniffing imperially. ----_

A random television lowered from the ceiling, and blared to life with no summons.

Hmm.

This really is a fanfiction, isn't it?

Alexander Anderson appeared on the screen, babbling away.

"Aye! Me goober garrifed the 'apper an' plarfed the zomboo!" he cried merrily.

The entire audience blinked.

"An' terboof herpled the yuffy puss!" Anderson yammered, suddenly becoming solemn. He then held up a rubber chicken garbed in a tuxedo and announced, tears glimmering in his eyes,

"Aye, the doodly doo flumped me glibber."

_----- "Jess?" Brittany asked. "How does any of this relate to Alucard's nose?"_

_"I'm getting to that!" Jess cried. "You're so impatient."_

_"By the way..." Brittany began, ignoring her friend's irritation. "Why did Anderson have a_

_chicken in a tuxedo?"_

_"Elementary, my dear Brittany." Jess replied. "It flumped his glibber."_

_Brittan blinked. -----_

"As you adorable muffin-pies can tell, ya can't understand him." Integra stated. "Alucard? Come here! We need come refreshment!"

A deep, heavy sigh came from around the corner. Alucard followed his sigh, rolling his eyes and dragging his feet.

"Thanks, puddin' pop!" Integra smiled, taking a doughnut from his nose. Indeed, Alucard's nose served as a perfect rack for doughnuts. Several were strung onto it by their holes, waiting to be devoured.

"Anyone else want a nose doughnut?" Alucard asked sarcastically.

_----- "Oh, God! Ew!" Brittany exclaimed. "She put doughnuts on his NOSE?"_

_"Yep!" Jess cried proudly. "And that's how Alucard's nose fits in this story!"_

_"What will they do about Anderson's accent?" Brittany asked._

_"Get a translator? I dunno. Get off my back." Jess replied._

_"And who says 'puddin' pop', anyway?" Brittany asked, on a roll. "And what flavor doughnuts were they?"_

_Jess glared at her._

_"This story is now officially over." she replied, just as the bell rang. She picked up her_

_books and walked from the room._

_"Wait! You can't just leave it like that! WHY DID THE CHICKEN FLUMP HIS GLIBBER?!?!" Brittany yelled, running out of the classroom after her._

_After their exit, Mrs. Paige picked up the forgotten manga, paging through it boredly. "I wonder why his nose is so long...?" she asked herself._

_"I can explain that!" Jess called, poking her head back through the door. ----_


End file.
